No Criticism is Good Criticism

Is constructive criticism really constructive? Or is it actually destructive?

In my humble opinion, I believe criticism is not constructive, and is in fact toxic to relationships.

And yes, ironically, various people will criticize me for having this personal opinion.

Let’s do a quick survey. If you like being criticized and want more criticism heaped upon you every day from everyone in your life, please raise your hand. Anybody? Hello? Anyone? Bueller? Hmmm it seems that nobody wants more criticism.

Why do people criticize others so much?

1. Criticizing and arguing and complaining seem to be the default and automatic knee jerk reaction we all have unless we consciously choose to be more thoughtful and helpful. It is almost like a virus of the personality. People get the virus because they are criticized and argued with all of their lives, by parents, teachers, bosses, coworkers, friends and family, spouses, etc. They are almost “trained” from birth to criticize and argue. Soon they are doing it almost automatically, every day.

“Wag more. Bark Less.” ~ my dog Josh

Perhaps Newton’s third law has something to do with it. It says, “For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.”

This is true in conversations with many people. They react and speak before they think.

Whatever you say to these people, their reaction is to be critical and argumentative and to oppose your comment, say the opposite, question and critique it, criticize it, cast doubt upon it, argue against it, suggest the opposite view, play the devil’s advocate, etc.

In other words, they immediately and automatically argue with you and criticize you no matter what you say.

Do you have a friend or relative or coworker who fits this description? Sure we all do. Why is that?

Deepak Chopra wrote that “Most people spend 90% of their time defending their position.” This is so true. Just observe yourself and those around you. What are people saying? They are saying things to prove their point, defend their point of view, convince you of their position, demonstrate that they are “right.”

2. Another reason that some people criticize others so much is that they are unhappy and unfulfilled in their own lives. Their self-esteem may need a boost, so they lash out at others and “cut them down to size” in an unconscious attempt to bolster their own self image.

In Steven Pressfield’s book The War of Art he explains, “If you find yourself criticizing other people, you’re probably doing it out of resistance. When we see others beginning to live their authentic selves, it drives us crazy if we have not lived out our own. Individuals who are realized in their own lives almost never criticize others. If they speak at all, it is to offer encouragement. Watch yourself. Of all the manifestations of resistance, most only harm ourselves. Criticism and cruelty harm others as well.”

Criticism causes harm to others. There is no doubt about that. When someone criticizes you, ask yourself, “Is this coming from kindness? Is it loving, kind and helpful?” Chances are it does not feel that way at all. At the very least it is probably irritating you and wasting your time.

A book about how to criticize others could go by the humorous title “How to Lose Friends and Negatively Influence People.”

In fact, one of the main teachings of the book How to Win Friends and Influence People is “Don’t criticize, condemn or complain.”

Why do so many people seem to unthinkingly blurt out criticism all day long?

“People try to rain on your parade because they have no parade of their own.” ~Jeffrey Gitomer

3. A third reason may be because, as Heraclitus, the Greek philosopher wrote, “Dogs bark at what they don’t understand.”

If you want to guarantee that you will be criticized, simply share your ideas, plans and goals with others. Many people don’t understand anything other than their day-to-day monotonous routine and they feel threatened by any new or ambitious ideas. They will often go off on a tangent, telling you endless reasons why you are making a big mistake, you ideas will never work, you are all wrong, etc.

It is like brainstorming but with a negative, destructive bent. Their purpose is not to come up with and encourage good ideas, their purpose is to act as the Devil’s Advocate and to shoot down and discourage all ideas (unless they thought of the ideas of course).

When I mentioned this theory to an argumentative and critical friend of mine, and I said maybe it could be described as automatic negativity, he said, “No, you are wrong, it’s not automatic or negative.”

I felt that his reaction sort of proved my theory of how you can say just about anything and someone will automatically argue with and criticize you.

To further my experiment I said “But haven’t you ever noticed how some people always seem to instantly and automatically argue with whatever you might say?”

He replied, “No, there aren’t people who automatically argue, I disagree, you’re wrong and that is a silly idea.”

I asked, “Aren’t you automatically arguing and criticizing now, without even thinking about what I said, or asking me for any further information?”

He said “You’re the one who is always arguing. I get really tired of it too.”

Sigh. If you were me, would you seek out this person’s company for lunch? And if you were having a conversation with him or her would you pretty much keep to simple topics like the weather and such, rather than share your plans and ideas?

Call it whatever you want. The end result is, sometimes you can’t have a peaceful conversation without being criticized, contradicted, opposed, doubted, argued with, second guessed, etc.

I used to call it automatic negativity, but some people automatically argue that their opposing remarks are not automatic and are not meant as negative.  They argue that they are being positively helpful in their opposing arguments and “constructive criticism.” I’ve never seen anyone who appreciated constructive criticism. The end result is nearly always negative. Ask the person on the receiving end if they thought it was constructive. You will find that the criticism has created animosity and resentment that is in no way constructive or helpful.

The secret to avoiding the virus of criticism is simply to keep an open mind. If someone tells you an idea or a goal or something they plan to do, pause and think before you speak. If you or I can’t offer any words of encouragement, perhaps we could at least try to remain neutral or simply mention some other options they may want to consider.

When I was younger I would tell people about my plans, hopes and dreams. The reaction was never encouragement. It was always criticism. Nowadays I wait to tell people until after I have already realized the goal. Then it is too late for their “constructive” criticisms and “well meaning” arguments to rain on my parade.

For example, one time when I was in my teens, a car commercial came on the television and I said to a group of friends “Wow it would be great to be rich someday so I could buy a car like that.” A few people jumped down my throat, saying things like “There is nothing wrong with being poor,” and “Sure, dream on, you’ll never get a car like that.”

Whatever dude.

I didn’t let the criticism get me down. Some years later I bought a beautiful Mercedes Benz convertible and thoroughly enjoyed driving it with the top down through the Napa wine country and along the beaches of the Pacific coast. Owning the car itself was not such a big deal, what really mattered was that I realized my dream in spite of all the negative critics.

Something else I learned is that you don’t have to buy something to enjoy it. You can have lots of fun simply by renting cool cars and boats and lakeside cabins, etc.  For example, the last time I went to Lake Tahoe I rented a cabin right on the lake and rented an amazing boat to cruise around the lake. Why put off that experience until “someday,” when for an affordable sum I could enjoy it for a weekend?  I have also rented small planes, motor-homes, snowmobiles, condominiums in Hawaii, you name it. I have even rented employees by the day or week, simply by calling a Temp agency like Manpower. Think of all the great experiences people could have if they didn’t feel the need to own and control so much in life.

A complaint-free world?

Another form of criticism is complaining. When we complain about something or someone we are simply criticizing, plain and simple.

What can we do about all of the criticizing and complaining? We can make an effort not to participate in it.

I was once one of the people who always criticize and complain, but I changed my ways. Now I make an effort to have an attitude of gratitude, avoid complaining and most of all refrain from criticizing.

A great first step is for all of us to read and re-read the following two books.

How To Win Friends And Influence People, by Dale Carnegie. The classic, read by 15 million people. If only more millions would read it and practice it, the world would be a much more enjoyable place to live.
Wikipedia – How to Win Friends and Influence People

A Complaint Free World, by Will Bowen. I simply can’t recommend this highly enough. A big thank you to Will Bowen for writing this book and starting this movement.
acomplaintfreeworld.org/